Columnist George Will recently started a lot of controversy by posting a newspaper column about progressivism on college campuses, suggesting that “victimhood” in college, such as sexual assault, is “a coveted status that confers privileges.” An in-depth discussion of the offensive parts of the column, as well as a link to the original column, can be found on this Salon article. While I often try to ignore people who are attempting to stir up controversy, I couldn’t help but have a visceral reaction to this one.
As many of us are aware, the backlash has included a #SurvivorPrivilege hashtag, where a lot of survivors of sexual assault have shared their painful stories of not only being assaulted and raped, and of living with the resultant trauma, but also of invalidation and mistreatment by others in the aftermath of their abuse. Clearly, being sexually assaulted in college (or, well, at any other time or place) doesn’t exactly leave you “privileged.” In my own painful experiences several years back of being sexually assaulted while in college, some of the “privileges” of being in this situation included difficulty concentrating and the resultant embarrassment, burnout, failed classes, academic probation, invalidating comments from the people around me who didn’t get what I was going through, and the joys of undiagnosed, untreated post-traumatic stress.
George Will is still defending his column, and some are arguing that the media is taking certain comments within the column out of context. It’s possible that things are being taken out of context, of course; but I read the column, about as much as I could despite how it was making me upset and feeling like a slap to the face. And I still found several things in it offensive, such as the downplaying of many forms of assault. It makes me happy that a newspaper has dropped him because of the column and that many are speaking out about how this column was a slap in the face to many of us.
I thought I’d share this interesting article about adults with abusive parents or childhood caregivers. Slate magazine: The Debt.
The article addresses the issue of deciding whether to forgive, not forgive, keep around, or cut off toxic abusers who don’t apologize or change, or who cause post-traumatic stress symptoms with their presence. Cutting off parents can be hard, because deep down we still want their approval, and it is common to grow emotionally enmeshed with abusive parents. People who do make the decision to cut off family members often face a lot of pressure from the people around them to let the person back into their life and try to make up, particularly laying on guilt trips if the abuser is ailing or near death.
The pressure is especially hard when the person’s mother is the one who gets cut off. People often seem to have the idea stuck in their head that mothers are always kind, innocent, and blameless, and that being somebody’s mother means you cannot abuse or do anything wrong–overlooking the fact that psychopaths, narcissists, and other women with abusive temperaments can get pregnant too. My partner, who made the decision to cut off his physically and psychologically abusive mother after realizing how little she’d changed, has been dealing with the “But she’s your mom!” pressure and guilt trips for years. And it is frustrating.
The decision to cut off family is not an easy one to make. What a person in this situation feels is right for them, whether it be cutting contact or continuing a relationship on their terms, is their own business. However, if someone has mistreated you and won’t genuinely apologize and change their hurtful behavior, I think that this person has not earned your respect and you don’t owe them anything–and that associating with them again may cause more pain especially if the abuse continues. Respect must be earned, even if you are somebody’s mother, even if you are sick in the hospital.
If you’re reading this, welcome. This is going to be a blog devoted to the issues faced by abuse survivors and friends and family members of survivors. Often, I’ll be posting about the discrimination, ignorance, and invalidation that many abuse survivors face either during or after abuse. And I’d like to spread awareness of the challenges faced by survivors.
Who is an abuse survivor? Just what it sounds like. A person who has been through physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, psychological, and/or spiritual abuse. Abuse can happen at any age at the hands of parents, siblings, relatives, classmates, coworkers, husbands, wives, partners, strangers, or friends. No, this will not be a place where abuse stories are compared to see whose is the most horrific. And yes, emotional abuse, even in its more subtle forms, does count as abuse, and a very harmful form of it at that. So does bullying.
Comments are definitely welcome. Naturally, offensive, trolling comments will be deleted or put out in the open and laughed at. I look forward to posting here again soon!