Psychopaths and love-bombing

So, I’m aware that I haven’t updated this blog in a long time. It was a bit difficult to come up with content for a while, and life also got in the way. Oh, well, better late than never. 

Today I stumbled upon a couple of websites via Facebook, to which I have been having quite the emotional reaction. It still blows me away that I’m still piecing together some of the things that happened to me, making sense of them, and discovering that the experiences have names. Being able to name something, and learning more and more that I’m not the only one, is a validating experience.

Several years ago, I met a man online. He was the first to make contact. Within weeks, we were flirting with each other, and we began talking on the phone. He professed his love for me not long after that and began a long-distance relationship. This man was incredibly sweet, funny, loving, charming, and kind. He told me he’d had his heart broken by cruel exes; and I couldn’t believe that anyone would be so horrid to such a beautiful, kind, sweet man. It was as if he worshiped me. He contacted me frequently and we began talking about marriage and children. He told me that we were perfectly matched; he’d been exactly what I was looking for and vice versa. I was told that wherever I moved, he would go with me, since I was his “princess.” The first time we met in person, he asked me to marry him, saying he wished he had an engagement ring on him right then and there, and overwhelmed me with physical affection. I’d never been hugged and touched so much in my life. He did rush me into sex but it was all happening so fast that it was making my head spin and with all of this love and hugging thrown at me it was hard to stop and think. I still remember the elation I felt, that I finally found my soulmate after I’d grown up lonely with low self-esteem and had begun fearing ending up alone. I was thrilled that the sweetest man in the world wanted me. We were madly in love, or so it seemed. He continued to frequently reassure me that I was his “fiancee” after our first visit. 

But the engagement ring never happened, and he started to pull away and grow moody, the first warning signs that the elation was short-lived and would soon be replaced by my living in anxiety and fear. What I did not know is that this man was a psychopath. He was incapable of feeling love, just really good at faking it. Soon, this whirlwind honeymoon stage would end and one of the most painful, confusing, soul-crushing experiences of my life would begin. 

Ten years later, even after much journaling, reaching out, making sense of the experience and learning to name various aspects of it, and getting therapy and self-help, some of that pain and anger is still with me. It may stick with me for the rest of my life. One of the things that hurt the most and left me feeling the most confused and betrayed is the bait-and-switch of that incredible, elating honeymoon stage that turned out to be all lies. Just today, I learned that there is a name for it, and it is a common technique that psychopaths use to get their target tightly hooked into a relationship so the manipulation and abuse can begin. “Love-bombing.” It’s so easy to get caught up in the excitement of being smothered in love-bombing, over-the-top romantic gestures, and things moving so fast that I didn’t see it for the red flag it was. I wished I had been warned about love-bombing before that relationship, but at the same time, he was just SO charming. 

Here are some of the links I found, describing love-bombing, its purpose, and what it leads to:

Psychopaths and Love: Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics

Psychopaths and Love: Red Flags of a Psychopath

The Psychopath’s Hook: Love Bombing, Sex and Flattery

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What do people owe their childhood abusers?

I thought I’d share this interesting article about adults with abusive parents or childhood caregivers. Slate magazine: The Debt.

The article addresses the issue of deciding whether to forgive, not forgive, keep around, or cut off toxic abusers who don’t apologize or change, or who cause post-traumatic stress symptoms with their presence. Cutting off parents can be hard, because deep down we still want their approval, and it is common to grow emotionally enmeshed with abusive parents. People who do make the decision to cut off family members often face a lot of pressure from the people around them to let the person back into their life and try to make up, particularly laying on guilt trips if the abuser is ailing or near death.

The pressure is especially hard when the person’s mother is the one who gets cut off. People often seem to have the idea stuck in their head that mothers are always kind, innocent, and blameless, and that being somebody’s mother means you cannot abuse or do anything wrong–overlooking the fact that psychopaths, narcissists, and other women with abusive temperaments can get pregnant too. My partner, who made the decision to cut off his physically and psychologically abusive mother after realizing how little she’d changed, has been dealing with the “But she’s your mom!” pressure and guilt trips for years. And it is frustrating.

The decision to cut off family is not an easy one to make. What a person in this situation feels is right for them, whether it be cutting contact or continuing a relationship on their terms, is their own business. However, if someone has mistreated you and won’t genuinely apologize and change their hurtful behavior, I think that this person has not earned your respect and you don’t owe them anything–and that associating with them again may cause more pain especially if the abuse continues. Respect must be earned, even if you are somebody’s mother, even if you are sick in the hospital.

Yay, new blog!

If you’re reading this, welcome. This is going to be a blog devoted to the issues faced by abuse survivors and friends and family members of survivors. Often, I’ll be posting about the discrimination, ignorance, and invalidation that many abuse survivors face either during or after abuse. And I’d like to spread awareness of the challenges faced by survivors.

Who is an abuse survivor? Just what it sounds like. A person who has been through physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, psychological, and/or spiritual abuse. Abuse can happen at any age at the hands of parents, siblings, relatives, classmates, coworkers, husbands, wives, partners, strangers, or friends. No, this will not be a place where abuse stories are compared to see whose is the most horrific. And yes, emotional abuse, even in its more subtle forms, does count as abuse, and a very harmful form of it at that. So does bullying.

Comments are definitely welcome. Naturally, offensive, trolling comments will be deleted or put out in the open and laughed at. I look forward to posting here again soon!